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DISCLAIMER: The following recap should be used for entertainment purposes only. It is NOT an official transcript of the show, is NOT fact checked by the hosts and is NOT up for any literary awards. To hear Whatever, word-for-fabulous-word, TUNE IN TO THE SHOW!
It’s Open Phones Friday (the 13th)
Alexis said she had nothing to say. She’d rather talk about other people’s problems. She she had been fantasizing about using a gun a lot that day. She was wondering how one would do a good job killing oneself. Putting it under her chin was too annoying. Paulie said put a gun with a large caliber bullet under your chin and put water in your mouth for a large exit wound. Alexis said pulling the trigger was just so easy…that’s why people shouldn’t have guns. Jennifer thought it would be difficult. Alexis said she didn’t think so.
Dora the Whore-a
Tweenage Dora now goes to middle school in the big city. A lot of people were unhappy that she was changing. Now she had a mini skirt and shapely calves. Alexis said the new Dora looked like those slutty women pictured on mud flaps. Alexis said instead of complaining about it, just don’t watch it/buy it for your kids. “Don’t buy slutty Dora mudflaps!” Why should this character grow up with their peer group if, say, Elmo doesn’t? Jennifer went to Dora Live at a concert hall and it was awful...as awful as Disney on Ice.
Paulie’s desk
Paulie’s desk was messy and sad, according to Jennifer. He faced the wall in a corner. Alexis didn’t like their side of the building either. Alexis wanted to know why they didn’t make cubicles with higher walls. Steve Cohen in the office next to them loved when they got mad and screamed at/about someone. It was the highlight of his day to hear them get pissed about something.
Lauren’s Funny Email
Lauren’s day at work: A woman hacked up a lung every morning, making Lauren want to vomit. Around noon, the mentally deficient volunteer started singing “Happy Birthday” or “Twinkle Twinkle Little Star” and did this for hours. The coughing lady continued coughing. Then the gum popping chick chimed in. After 3:30, it was just Lauren and the gum popper until the humming housekeeper guy came in drive her insane. (He was whistling at the moment.) Then, when she gets home, the kids across the street dribble the basketball until the sun goes down. Lauren was being driven insane. Alexis cracked up and suggested ear plugs.
Michael Phelps
Michael was interviewed by Matt Lauer. He apologized to each of his sponsors individually and every sponsor stood by him except for Kellogg’s. Matt asked Michael what was in the bong. Paulie played the clip. Michael didn’t want to actually say, “Yes, I was smoking pot.” Paulie said he looked like a stoner in the interview. Alexis said he always looked a little slow-eyed and dumb anyway. Alexis and Jennifer don’t think his image is that tarnished anyway. He screwed up, move on. Who cares?
Death is not becoming
Jennifer has to go to a closed casket wake later. Alexis wanted to know why it was closed and how Jennifer knew that in advance. Jennifer asked because she didn’t like the open casket. Alexis had never seen a dead body. Paulie and Jennifer were flabbergasted. Jennifer had to help her friend fix her dead mom’s hair. Dead bodies felt waxy and not at all alive. Alexis joked, “How come, do you think?”Alexis said she has never been invited to a wake. Jennifer said you don’t get invited, you just show up. Paulie has seen mangled dead bodies. Jennifer saw one once, too, on the street in NY. It was smushed between 2 cars. Paulie saw the skeleton of an old lady who had melted on her couch after falling asleep with a cigarette in her hand. Alexis didn’t understand how you slept through the smoke and the flames. Paulie and Michael hold their breath around dead bodies. Paulie is afraid he’ll smell the formaldehyde. Michael isn’t sure why he does it. Jennifer joked that you shouldn’t breathe around people who can’t. Linda’s dad died two years ago. She said it was odd looking at people dead in a casket. They looked totally different. She was not a fan of the open casket. In Judaism you respect the body and bury the person right away. Linda asked where Jews believed you went to. Jennifer said it was unclear and undefined. Alexis said there were no pearly gates for Jews…and she didn’t imagine them as pearly anyway. Jennifer saw white. Alexis saw gold. Jennifer said, “You see gold? Of course you do.”
Joan the forensic scientist
Joan called in to explain how you could burn to death if you fell a sleep with a lit cigarette in your hand. Couches can release noxious fumes which cause a person to pass out and then you are consumed by the flames. Joan wouldn’t want to go like that. If she had to die weirdly she would want to pass out from carbon monoxide poisoning. She said women usually don’t kill themselves with guns but if she was going to do it with a gun she’d stick it in her mouth and point it to the brain. Women usually take pills and do the carbon monoxide thing. Paulie said you turned red when you died from carbon monoxide poisoning. Alexis said that was why the tuna in the grocery store was red. Joan said ground beef looked red because the air in the packaging was actually carbon monoxide. Caller Paul said his cousin tried to kill himself with carbon monoxide and ended up taking the two kids with her because the garage was attached. Jennifer said she was a moron. Alexis said she didn’t mean to do it. Alexis asked caller Paul how the kids were doing…she forgot they were dead. Jennifer said Alexis was the gift that kept on giving.
Jon Stewart grills Jim Cramer
Jim Cramer, from the show Mad Money, is the face of MSNBC’s lack of credibility re: the economic state of our country. If MSNBC knew that this economy was going to end up where it is did they have a duty to tell people what was going on? Jon Stewart has been picking on Jim Cramer, and it’s funny. Alexis didn’t know what they knew or what they didn’t know and if people tell you what stocks to buy and you follow them, it’s on you. Paulie said Jon was making the point that Jim was saying buy buy buy sell sell sell and didn’t warn people that these companies were volatile. Jennifer said the regular news was sensationalized, too. Alexis said newspapers write what they want to sell papers. Jennifer thought people watched Jim Cramer for his antics, not the content, anyway. Jennifer and Alexis thought Jim Cramer held his own and Jon Stewart wasn’t unnecessarily nasty. Paulie said Jon made a good point that the channel sensationalizes the market rather than telling people the truth and it affects people’s lives. Jennifer said people should know there are no guarantees in the stock market. Does a news organization have a responsibility to warn people that the economy isgoing into the crapper? Jennifer said Cramer was stupid but that wasn’t the point. He was someone you didn’t know and a TV personality. Why should you listen to him?
Michelle Obama, Hot or Not?
Michael the intern and Paulie “the douche” (Jennifer’s term of endearment) came into the office today and Paulie asked if the girls thought it was weird that he found Michelle Obama hot. Michael shot Paulie a knowing glance and then they were both all weird about it. Paulie said Michael had an older woman fetish. Michael said he always said he was looking for his Michelle Obama on his Facebook page because she was the perfect package. Alexis had never heard her interview so she didn’t know what she was like. Jennifer said she was all about healthy eating... and mindful and really smart. Jennifer said Michael just wanted Michelle to hold him, but it was more sordid for Paulie and she wondered if other listeners found Michelle sexy.
Crystal unlocked her bathroom door, thanks to Paulie and his Allen wrench suggestion. Yay!
Stay tuned